The Button

No Boring Bits

You may have seen the above poster on the side of a tram, glued to the wall of a dark alleyway or somewhere else around the streets of Melbourne. Here are six good reasons why you shouldn’t go rushing to your local milk bar to by a Cornetto:

1. As wonderful as a free MP3 player sounds.... it’s been in a FREEZER, electronics don’t do well in extreme cold conditions.


2. If the MP3 player survives the frosty coldness of the freezer, it still has to survive being completely surrounded by ice-cream. I don’t know about you, but putting ice-cream covered headphones in my ears doesn’t sound fun.


3. Personally, I’ve never had a wire flavoured Cornetto. I prefer mint or chocolate. But that’s just me.


4. Just like how ice-creams can’t be good for MP3 players, MP3 players can’t be good for ice-creams.


5. Imagine bitting into a Cornetto, expecting a delicious ice-cream experience and getting a nice big chunk of MP3 instead.


6. You could choke on the headphone wires.

The poster above suggests that they actually freeze the MP3 player through the ice-cream cone, but hopefully that’s just a promotional image. I say “promotional” but it’s done quite the opposite for me, I won’t be eating a Cornetto until this Samsung/ Cornetto alliance is well over.

Friday the 13th

I found it appropriate to put up my 13th post of the year, on Friday the 13th. So here is a little conversation I had with a random women on the train this afternoon. You may have overlooked my “Little Valentines Story” so I’m just letting you know that it’s below this post.

A falling apart, middle aged woman, steps into the train and sits next to me (despite the fact she could sit anywhere in the entire, empty, carriage.) She’s stick thin. Her eyebrows have something noticeably wrong with them, although I couldn’t say exactly what, and they have strange white lines around them. She’s wearing a flannelette T-Shirt (presumably to display the large tattoo of a rose on her chest.) She spends the first five or so minutes of the journey, making sure her socks are pulled up to the exact same point. Then, rather randomly, she turns to me and says:

Weird Woman: I hope you don’t mind me asking. But, how old are you?

I momentarily consider lying, but find no real reason for doing so.

Me: I’m 17.

Weird Woman: Oh! I would have thought - ... you look about 13! ... I’m 57, but I’m not going to let the age thing get the better of me... See my legs? They’re looking as good as they did when I was your age! As for my thighs... well... some things you can’t control.

Awkward silence, as if she expects me to comment on her preserved looks.

Weird Woman: some women my age are this wide!

She demonstrates with her hands.

Weird Woman: Me? I went and got an abdominoplasty... but all it did was move me tummy fat, down to my hips! So now I’ve got love handles like no one else!

She then lifts up her top an inch or two to show me her “love handles”

Weird Woman: You would never have guessed it if I didn’t show you though, eh?

Me: No, I wouldn’t have-

Weird Woman: When I was your age, they didn’t have all these operations to reduce the effects of age. There’s a lot of things you can get done now, ain’t there?

Me: yeah-

Weird Woman: I’ve heard of this laser surgery... I think I’ll go get that done. Get rid of some of this flab.

She laughs and shakes her love handles around.

Weird Woman: Obviously, you don’t need to worry about that kind of thing.

She examines me from head to toe, as if she wishes she was still my age. And then abruptly moves on.

Weird Woman: You won’t be able to tell but... this morning I got me eyebrows tattooed on!

Me: ... Oh... OK.

I try to sound interested, surprised and in approval. She enviously glares at my eyebrows.

Weird Woman: let me give you some pointers, to stay the way you are.

Me: OK.

Weird Woman: When you’re in the shower washing your hair... lean your head backwards, not forwards.

She mimes washing her hair... a bit too enthusiastically.

Weird Woman: The hot water running over your face causes wrinkles.

Me: Oh, OK.

Weird Woman: Also. Rub baby oil over your skin, every day. It’s very good.

She mimes this as well.

Me: OK... yeah.

I know I haven’t said much besides “Oh”, “OK” and “yeah” but bear with me...

Weird Woman: I was told these tips when I was your age. And I’ve remembered them all these years!

The train pulls into her station. As she leaves she says

Weird Woman: I’m going to fight old age! I’m not going to let it defeat me!

With that she steps out of the carriage and opens up an umbrella. I can only presume – on this sunny day – that she’s using the umbrella as another attempt to prevent wrinkles. When she turns around, I see a huge chunk of her hair is missing. From the back, she looks like a Barbie doll whose owner found joy in ripping its hair out.

A Little Valentines Story

Trisha was the centre of the universe. She thought everything was about her... because it was. As she strolled down the senior school corridor- pink binder in arms- everyone stopped still, and watched her. The sun beamed through the window and seductively reflected off the silver necklace, dangling low on her chest. A gangly looking, pale skinned boy, silently fell to the floor (as one often does when they forget to breath.) Not a single head in the crowded corridor turned to the boy. Everyone was mesmerised by Trisha. The world stopped functioning, as she continued towards her locker. Then the bell rang, and all was chaotic once more.
As she opened her locker and gathered her books, she thought vaguely about what the day would entail. Today was Valentines Day. Trisha had already received three-thousand, two-hundred and eighty-one Valentines requests, all of which she refused with the flick of a pink polished finger nail. Trisha had a serious problem... no one was good enough for her.

After stopping by the bathroom to touch up her makeup, Trisha set about on her mission to find the perfect Valentine. The first boy who came to mind, was Charlie. It occurred to Trisha that Charlie was the only boys she knew, who hadn’t given her a red rose or a box of chocolates. Trisha presumed he was too self doubting to ask to be her Valentine, so she redid her pink lipstick and wondered off to the cafeteria, hoping to find Charlie.
“Trisha!” called her mob of wannabes, who she called her friends. Trisha waved to them across the buzzing cafeteria, but she maintained her unalterable journey towards Charlie. It didn’t take long before the entire school realised Trisha wasn’t stopping at her usual table. All the students stopped eating, and watched Trisha as if she where highly captivating, live entertainment. She felt seven-hundred pairs of eyes, glued to her, watching her every movement. She lived for this kind of attention. Popularity was her oxygen.
Trisha rhythmically strutted through the eerily silent room. Charlie was the last one to advert his gaze to her, she took his surprised expression as a good sign. Her pink high heeled sandals, paused directly in front of Charlie, to ensure there was no doubt as to who she was there for.
“Trisha?” Charlie questioned, he lacked the entranced tone Trisha was used to boys having.
“I’ve done a bit of thinking. And I’ve decided... that you can be my Valentine!” Trisha announced, loud enough for everyone to hear.
“NOOO!” cried an uncalled for, random voice. Charlie and Trisha ignored the anonymous outburst completely.
“Oh” began Charlie apologetically “I’ve actually already got a Valentine” he shrugged dismissively, gesturing towards the girl next to him. Trisha’s jaw dropped. She adjusted her pink mini skirt, gave a cold glare to Charlie’s Valentine (who in Trisha’s opinion wasn’t nearly as attractive as she was) and walked away. Suddenly, seven-hundred pairs of eyes, wasn’t a positive. Trisha tried to walk with dignity, but her rhythm failed and as soft snickers spluttered across the room she found it hard to hold her head high.

Luna's List of Things That DON'T Suck:

• The smell of incense.
• When a stranger tells you that your jeans are "lovely and original."
• When a stranger says "did you make those jeans yourself?" and you say "no, I didn't" leaving out the fact that you got them from Target.
• Going on adventures.
• The vibration between your fingers and rubber banisters.
• When you get a better mark for a test than you expected.
• Jason Mraz (I'm sure there are many other people in the world you don't suck, but he makes it to the list.)
• If you're reading this (which I can only pressume you're doing at this very moment), then you'll be delighted to know that you're apart of the list!
• Watching things grow (which doesn't mean sitting on the veranda and watching your front lawn for hours on end.)
• Watching Berocca's fizzle away in a glass of water.
• Running about in the rain.
• Looking at the world from a great height.
• Dolphin tooth pick holders (perhaps I'll explain why they "don't suck" if you ask me.)
• Spending so long reading one book that you become fully immersed in its world (doesn't work as well when you speed read.)
• When you make a really big mistake and everyone forgives you (obviously, it would suck even less if you didn't make the big mistake in the first place.)
• Waterfalls.
• Mazes.
• Pineapple juice.
• Life.
• Laughing attacks.
• Tom and Jerry.
• Eating lunch in the science stairwell.
• Soft drinks that have lost their fizz.
• Throwing water bombs.
• Flower covered meadows.
• Fruit Tingles.
• The number 736 (one day you will learn how great this number is.)
• Swings.
• When someone agrees with you on something you never thought anyone would agree with you on (don't mind the tongue twister of a sentence.)
• Running very fast (for short distances at a time.)
• Skipping when everyone else is walking.
• Riding on the back of golf buggies.
• Long plane journey's (give you an excuse to watch several films in a row.)
• Stopping at petrol stations during long car rides.
• Stopping in at random little towns and villages.
• Going to Disney Land on a day where barely anyone's there.
• Rolling down hills.
• I almost forgot to add Furbys to my list... while I'm at it I should add walking along train tracks in the country.

OK, that will do for now. I suppose it's rather sad that my "Things That Suck" list was so much longer...

Lie Detection Test

Try this fun "Lie Detection Test" (you need to turn the volume on) it only takes a couple of minutes. Have fun! ... and don't laugh at my pathetically small post.....
http://www.fox.com/lietome/lightmantests/

The Herbs and Spices Cupboard

‘It’s high time I did some explaining’ Luke repeatedly thought the old man’s words, trying to find some hidden meaning to them. Luke tried hard to understand why the man had gotten up from his seat and dashed away. Wasn’t he just about to explain everything? It had been almost ten minutes since the man’s uncalled for departure, Annie was still lying unconscious on the ground and Luke was eager to get her to school. Perhaps Annie has been poisoned Luke thought. He went over to the cabinet above the stove and rummaged through the various herbs and spices jars.
“Poison, poison....” Luke muttered, to keep himself aware of what he was looking for. Most of the jars lacked labels, so he opened their lids and sniffed oregano to paprika to finely chopped rosemary. Once it was discovered that a jar contained innocent cooking ingredients, Luke frantically dropped it to the floor. After several minutes of searching through the abnormally large herbs and spices cabinet, Luke found himself standing in a pile of smashed glass and smelling of a disagreeable blend of aromas. Luke felt faintly sick and light headed, he had never sniffed harder in his life, but he was determined to know when or whether Annie would wake up.
It was when the cabinet was almost bare and Luke was ready to give up, that he saw a pill bottle. He dropped the jar of over dated cinnamon and reached for the white tablet container. The label read:
Sleeping Powder: use sparingly
Luke popped open the lid and looked curiously at the blue dust inside. Without thinking of the dangers, he sniffed the sleeping drugs. It didn’t surprise him that it had no smell. He looked back at Annie, she didn’t appear to be sleeping any more, she looked solid and frozen. Luke searched the container for more information and was relieved to find, in almost illegibly fine print, the words:
1 pinch = 1 hour sleep
3 pinches = 6 hours sleep
Luke spent a while trying to figure out the logic in the dosage information, but all he could come up with was that the old man most likely used one pinch. He then heard Annie give a weary grunt and whizzed around to look at her, during his whizzing journey, however, he knocked his head on the herbs and spices cupboard and watched, terrified, as everything went black.
He could no longer feel his feet on the ground, or sense his own presence in the kitchen. The blackness soon turned into a rollercoaster of rainbow coloured stars, Luke felt as though he was being teleported to another place. He tried to move his body, but could control nothing... could sense nothing. All he could do was watch the wacky colours jumble around before him, it was as though his soul had been sent on a journey, leaving his body behind. Then he began to hear voices radiating out of the bright colours Annie! We have to hurry or we’ll miss the train! he remembered himself saying the words earlier that day, but the voice that spoke them wasn’t his I saw you shoot my sister. I saw the blood they where Luke’s words again, but the voice spoke them in a monotonous way, compared to the frantic tone Luke had used when he spoke them. Then a deep unknown man’s voice yelled: she’s not usually shy! Only around people she thinks are better than her! And people she wants to like her! A woman’s voice began to sing the words I do believe in magic over and over again.
Then all was silent.
The rainbow rollercoaster spiralled into one shade of hot pink, Luke helplessly stared at the blank, pink space, praying that he wasn’t on his way to heaven or – because everything had just turned hot pink- hell. In the middle of the plain pink space, an image of Annie appeared. She seemed far away and unreachable, as if Luke were watching her in a dream. She sat up, holding her head, and weakly muttered what happened?
At that moment everything sped backwards, Annie was soon out of site and the rainbow came spiralling back at high speed. Luke felt like he was being sucked backwards. The rollercoaster was playing exactly as before but incredibly fast and in reverse. The voices began to speak again, their word inaudible.

Luke took in a deep, desperate breath as his vision returned. He found himself standing, once again, in the old man’s kitchen. The light blinded him, as if he had just awoken from a dark sleep and stepped into the sun. He rubbed his eyes and thanked no one in particular that he was alive. At the sound of Annie’s exhausted murmur, Luke opened his eyes and watched as she sat up and dreamily muttered “What happened?”