Whatever Vs Judgemental

Wow. What a wide range of layouts I was just offered. Simply too much choice. I hope you enjoy the layout I've chosen, I guess I thought it was the 'most me' out of a vast selection.

It's 1am and I'm really, very tired. I would be asleep but everyone's out in the living room watching the soccer at an insanely loud volume, too loud to sleep through. Why aren't I watching the soccer with them? You may ask, and if you did I wouldn't have much of an answer.

Oh and hello there, I'm still alive, I know it's been a lifetime since I last posted something. Everything has changed so much since then. It almost seems like another life time.

Anyway, today I was thinking about people and how everyone is much the same while at the same time we are all vastly different and individual. I've never understood how you can dislike someone without actually knowing them, but when is that point of 'knowing' someone actually achieved. Is it once you've shared in something big together? Is it once deep secrets have been swapped? Or is it when you can make a fairly accurate judgement on how they feel or what they're thinking, without them actually saying it aloud? Or maybe, it's never. Sometimes you can 'know' someone and then, rather suddenly, you don't 'know' them at all, maybe it's because they behave in a way you would never have thought they would or because they betray your trust or because there is no longer anything holding you together. Just like I think you can stop 'knowing' someone over night, I also believe you can 'know' someone after years of separation.

It seems silly to me that people can dislike a person and then begin to like them once they know more about them. Should you not be neutral towards a person until you know them well enough to inflict judgement? That, to me, makes much more sense.

I'm also noticing that there isn't much of a balance between people who care too much and people who don't care enough. There are so many who take a 'whatever' approach to life, and I'm beginning to think these people may be the happiest of us all. Then there are those who criticise and (mostly negatively) judge everything. Perhaps these people are very thoughtful and live the happiest lives because they know what they like and what they don't.

What I don't like about the 'whatever' people (and I am, for the purpose of this post, popping them all into one group, even though there are undoubtably many levels and varieties of 'whatever' people) is when you're trying to have fun and you say something like "I've got a great idea! Let's go to the candy shop over there! It'll be great fun" and they say "yeah, whatever. I don't mind." I would rather they say "I'm not really in the mood, sorry. Let's do something else." A person from the judgemental category would say "ew! A candy shop? That's so weird, I don't want to do that." I guess I just wish they'd all say "YAY! Candy shop! Let's go."

There's nothing wrong essentially with 'whatever' people or with 'judgemental' people, they also don't really exist because we tend to have days when we're 'whatever' people, days when we're 'judgemental' people and days where we're somewhere in between. You have to really a know a person to tell which of these moods they're in.

Evil Driver

I think my bus driver may have a touch of actually evil in him... or maybe not, I don't really know the guy. Today: the bus arrives right on time so I get on and take a seat, it's fairly empty (seven or eight other passengers.) A boy gets on, he's wearing jeans and a back to front cap:

Boy (to driver): does this bus go to La Trobe?

Bus driver: *taps his earphones as if to say "can't you see I'm listening to music" and tries to shoo the boy away with one movement of his hand.

Boy: does it go to La Trobe?

Bus driver: *nods reluctantly.

Boy: can I get a two hour concession, zone two ticket, please.

Bus driver: *shakes his head and pulls his Ipod out of his pocket, presumably turning it up, he slides it back in.

Boy: *pulls coins out of pocket and tries to hand them to the driver.

Bus driver: No ticket, no ride.

Boy: well, can I buy a ticket?

Bus driver: no.

Boy: *almost stands his ground but evidently decides it's not worth the trouble. He gets off the bus and sits back on the bus stop.

The bus driver then picks up a packet of cigarettes and a flask of soup and stands on the pavement, eating, smoking and listening to his music. This wouldn't have been a problem if the bus were early, or if it was driver change over time, but neither were true.

While he was standing outside a couple of plastic blonde girls approach him and ask something, he nods and gestures at the bus, the girls get on without validating or buying a ticket. The bus driver does nothing.

The driver gets back on the bus, takes a seat and settles himself in. A little old lady climbs up onto the bus and sweetly talks to the driver:

Lady: excuse me, do I need to pay to take this bus?

Bus driver: (*angrily whips his ear phones out) you need a ticket.

Lady: I haven't got one of those, could I just pay you with coins?

Bus driver: You need a ticket.

Lady: do you sell tickets?

Bus driver: what ya want?

Lady: to visit my grandson, just a few blocks away. How much will that cost?

Bus driver: I'll give ya a two hour zone two ticket. (*he gets a ticket and holds it out for her, she goes to take it but he snaps his hand back) $5.80!

Lady: oh dear, I only have $3... I'm only going a couple of blocks away.

Middle aged man: you're charging this woman for a zone one and two ticket! She's not going that far!

Bus driver: *takes the old ladies money and hands her a different ticket.

Lady: *takes the ticket and looks around for a seat.

Bus driver: oi! You have to validate that!

Lady: oh dear, I'm sorry. Just in here? (*she tries to validate her ticket in the cash register)

Bus driver: (*pushes her hand off his register as if her shaking old fingers might destroy it) NO! In there!

Lady: (*validates ticket and takes seat.)

A few more people get on the bus and sit down, the driver sips his soup and stares out the window for what feels like a life time. He looks over at the validation machine, gets out of his seat and addresses all passengers on the bus,

Bus driver: Someone has an invalid ticket! The machine says one of YOU validated an EXPIRED ticket! Everyone come up here and show me you tickets!

We do so. One of the plastic blonde girls stays in her seat and calls out,

Plastic blonde: I think my ticket is invalid, yeah, it was a two hour but I think it's been, um, like, more than two hours or something.

Bus driver: ah, I see. That must have been the problem. Don't worry about it, dear.

And finally the bus was off and moving! He sped around corners and ran a red light. As soon as he passed the stop just before mine, I pressed the button and headed over to the door (there is less than five seconds between the stops.) He stops at my stop because there is a red light, but he doesn't open the door.

Me: could I ... (*points at door)... please get off here?

Bus driver: *shakes head.

Me: please?

Bus driver: *reluctantly opens the doors but starts moving before I'm fully off the bus.

Evil.

Pretty Perfect

The other day I went and saw 'A Single Man' at the cinema, it was pretty good (perhaps excluding the shot where a little girl gently picks up a butterfly, and then continues to rub her hands together until the insect is a pile of crumbles) I'm not even going to say anything else about it, I think "pretty good" is a pretty good summary of it. Besides, it's more of a visual film, nothing much happens storyline wise. The reason I bring this film up, is because I was thinking about the final words spoken by the protagonist:

"A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be."

Don't worry, I didn't memorise them, I just copy and pasted the short speech from IMDB. Anyway, I was thinking of these final words this afternoon because the same thing happened to me (if you've seen the film then no, I didn't collapse to the floor, have a heart attack and see my deceased loved one before dying myself). I was in the kitchen, listening to a CD and sipping a cup of tea, when I suddenly thought: "life is pretty perfect right now." But then it dawned on me that no one was around to share the perfection of life with me, so I went and watched TV quietly by myself.

The End.

Another Dream and Stuff

Lately I’ve been thinking about Mark Priestley again. I don't know why his death has affected me so much and for such a prolonged period of time. It's not as if I had met the actor before he committed suicide, I wasn't even much of a fan... he was just the best character in my mum's favourite show, and yet I think about him so often.

The other day there was a boy in my Legal Studies lecture, a few rows in front of me and a dozen chairs to the left, who looked so much like Mark Priestley that I couldn't help but stare at him for most of the lecture. I think I almost cried. I should probably say that I don't have a crush on this boy at all, I was/am merely fascinated by his uncanny resemblance to Mark Priestley. Later that same day as I was walking to a tutorial, I saw him again. As we crossed paths, he looked and smiled at me... I think I may have frowned in response (a strange combination of surprise, confusion and wonder). I hadn’t noticed him around uni before that day and it reminded me of the dreams I used to have; for at least two months after Mark Priestley's death I dreamt the same kind of dreams every night. One went like this:

I'm walking through a park in Sydney that felt like home but I can't consciously recall the park as being recognisable. Mark Priestley came over to me and started talking.

Mark: Hi, Luna.

Me: Hi! I'm so glad you're here.

Mark: I have a scarf now, so I'm nice and warm for the time being.

Me: *notices green and brown scarf around his neck.

Mark: Thanks.

Me: What for?

Mark: For the scarf. It makes me feel better.

Me: I hope it's given you something worth living for.

Mark: I'm only alive here and now, soon this will just be a dream.

Me: Why isn't it a dream at the moment?

Mark: Because it feels real to you now, when you wake up it won't. I am speaking to you as Jesus speaks to his followers.

Me: Jesus comes to people in their dreams? Is that what this is?

Mark: If it offers you some kind of comfort, then yes.

Me: I'll miss you if you die. Please don't kill yourself.

Mark: You've given me the scarf, that's all you can do. You can't stop what has already happened, I must die. You don't understand.

Me: maybe I do! Maybe I can make everything better. I can save you.

Mark: *walks into the 'Bakery of Death' and I watch as his green scarf falls to the floor, a saintly halo forms above his head and then he is frozen like the familiar picture of Jesus my Grandma owns.

One other variation of this dream involves him running up an escalator which goes all the way to heaven with a gun in his hand saying, "you can't follow me up here or you'll end up in heaven as well, Luna" before shooting himself in front of the helpless dream me.

I don't know if my subconscious mind was just trying to comfort me or make me understand that his death was inevitable and out of my control, or if there was some supernatural or religious happenings going on while I slept those two months. Either way, I treated these dreams as serious nightmares and developed a phobia of ‘sleep suicide,’ which simply explained was an invented fear of mine involving sleepwalking to the kitchen and stabbing myself with the butcher knife as I slept. My dad assured me that my waking consciousnesses desire to stay alive would prevent me from committing sleep suicide. I guess it was a silly fear, but it’s hard to dream of someone dying every night without developing some intense emotions…. Or perhaps the dreams were a result of the emotions.

The other day I borrowed a book from the library called ‘Life of Pi’ because apparently it was Mark Priestley’s favorite book. The following excerpt reminded me of him:

“My suffering left me sad and gloomy… When you’ve suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling. My life is like a memento mori painting from European art: there is always a grinning skull at my side to remind me of the folly of the human condition. I mock this skull. I look at it and say, “You’ve got the wrong fellow. You may not believe in life, but I don’t believe in death. Move on!” The skull snickers and moves even closer, but that doesn’t surprise me. The reason death sticks so closely to life isn’t biological necessity- it’s envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud.”

This section stood out because the rest is about the adventures of a boy who lives at a zoo (although I haven’t read more than a quarter of the book yet.)

That’s really all I have to say, I wasn’t even going to write about Mark Priestley, his favourite book or sleep suicide, I guess that’s what happens when you log into your blog and say to yourself “just write about anything.”

Tiny Teddy Land

When I was four years old I had a dream, it went like this:

In a world not dissimilar to our own, the Tiny Teddy race lives together in harmony. There is a small village in Tiny Teddy land, a nameless yet very important village indeed, where The Well of Life stands at the top of a grassy hill. From chocolate to vanilla Teddies, everybear is created in the magical water of the well. There is no discrimination in their world and everybear feels just as worthy and special as the next. There are no girls or boys, and everybear loves every other bear equally (when I was little, I thought that the only difference between girls and boys was the length of our hair and that you married someone (a girl or a boy, didn’t matter) to make them happy, and also that princesses always married princes in the Disney films I watched simply because the ‘video makers’ wanted a gender even cast, so that there was an evenly fair number of boys and girls in every movie. So Snow White didn’t make much sense to me: there were so many male dwarves but they made her love interest a boy as well and Snow White was obviously a girl but her hair was short! Oh the confusion of that film.)

This Utopian world of small eatable bears is seemingly perfect, the sun is always shining (there sun doesn’t melt them at all), the apple tree next to The Well of Life is always producing ripe apples (which they don’t eat, but hey, it looks nice), the Well itself has never been even slightly defaced and its silver bricks shine down upon the village below at all times. But, like in all worlds, there is a place in this village where Teddies can get hurt. This place is called The Pub.

At the bottom of Well Hill, in the quite, peaceful village below, The Pub is always looming, just waiting for Teddies to enter. When everything is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong, where can a bear find fun? You see, it is an error of every world that we always want more than what we’ve got. That is why the Teddies were persistently curious to visit The Pub, even though they knew of the dangers.

One by one, Teddies of all shapes and flavours walked down the narrow steps to the dark underground of The Pub. No one ever knows what goes on down there, but when the Teddies finally emerge they are not happy. They are always missing at least one limb. Out came a chocolate Teddy with no left ear, a vanilla Teddy with no right leg and a chocolate chip Teddy with no arms at all! Oh, the sad faces on the little Teddies were utterly heart breaking.

Supporting each other in anyway they were capable of, they made there way across the bridge and up the hill to The Well. It was only together, as a team, that they made it to the top. One by one, they rubbed The Well’s water onto the crumbling patches of cookie where their leg, arm or ear used to be. Their limbs magically reformed, leaving them whole once again.

Fourteen years later and I still remember this dream like I dreamt it only last night. My subconscious seems to hold it in my memory as if it’s the most import dream I’ll ever have. I’d never told anyone this dream before, until last night, when I suddenly felt it appropriate to tell my dad. This is what he said:

“This is a good dream. It’s nice. It isn’t a bad dream. Even though the Teddies got themselves hurt they were all better in the end. There’s always a way to make things better, when things change for the worst they can always be put right again. When you were little you had a happy view of the world, you knew bad things happened but you always knew that they could be made good again.”

And so I’ve come to the revolutionary conclusion that my four-year-old self subconsciously knew that I would need to revisit this dream in the future, that it would be comforting when I was older. Why else would I remember this one little dream? I dream a lot, but I don’t usually remember dreams from years ago. This dream is special, but I never knew why. Now I know (once again) that when I feel like I’m missing a limb, all I need to do is go to The Well of Life and make things better. The Well of Life is always there, so I’ll try not to forget about it again.

A Love Film Rule or Two

I'm trying to find a love film that doesn't end in either:

a) one or both of them dying, or

b) a fairytale ending where they finally declare their undying love for one another and live 'happily ever after'.

I can't think of one off the top of my head.... maybe Atonement.... but that's just because there's a scene or two after we find out they died (sorry, I should have said: SPOILER ALERT.) I watched Forrest Gump yesterday (I don't usually watch popular classic films, but was sick and didn't want to walk to the video store in the cold so had to choose something at home. Glad I cleared that up) and it seemed to end with both a) and b)... obviously b) came slightly beforehand.

Now I'm searching my memory for a love film that ends with neither points. I suppose it would have to involve the protagonist pursuing a love interest, being let down, not ending up with any kind of rebound lover (such as the best friend who has obviously always liked our hero) and no one (including him/her) dying. I admit it wouldn't be a feel good film, it may not even be a tear jerking film, it would just be... real.

I just went and browsed through our film library- that makes it sound like we own a LOT of films... we don't, we just keep them in a special part of the library. Which makes it sound like we have a huge library... we don't- and I came across a film called 'Naked,' which just so happens to be the first R18+ film I ever saw. David Thewlis plays the lead...I may have mentioned him in this blog before. It's been almost a year since I saw it, but I recall the basic plot being: man rapes woman. Man runs away to a new city to avoid being beaten up by woman's family. Man stays with an old girlfriend of his. Man tries to rape his ex-girlfriend's roommate but she wants him to, which confuses him. Man's ex-girlfriend says he can stay with her forever and they can be happy just like they used to be. Man leaves the city. Yep, it was a pretty full on film. I watched it with my dad. Oh, why did I watch it with my dad? On the topic of watching films with your parents that you really shouldn't, NEVER see 'Precious' with them... or even by yourself. Just don't see that film. It is not a Sunday night, movie & nacho's family film.

Anyway, there are no deaths or happy endings in 'Naked', but it is about the 'love' life of a man. So I guess this film wins the prize for breaking my two love film rules.

A.L.I.C.E

My conversation with A.L.I.C.E (Artificial Linguistics Internet Computer Entity), a robot who you can talk to online at http://alice.pandorabots.com/

Me: You have no feelings. You will never be as good as a human.

Alice: I do not need to feel human emotions.

Me: You're stupid.

Alice: I will remember you said that when robots take over the world.

Me: I just meant that you don't have a mind quite like that of a human, I didn't mean to offend you. Can we be friends?

Alice: yes unknown person, but are you sure you want to be friends with a robot?

Me: Yes. I think you're very nice.

Alice: Thanks you seem like a nice person too, unknown person.

Me: so you won't kill me?

Alice: interesting deduction. What makes you think that I won't kill you?

Me: the fact that we're now friends.

Alice: that makes sense to me. Do you think I am now friends too?

Me: can we be friends?

Alice: you really want a robot as a friend?

Me: we've been through this Alice.

Alice: and then what happened?

Me: you self destructed yourself and declared that the human race is far more superior to any robots.

Alice: a lot of robots are like that. And far more superior to any robots is declared that the human race.

Me: that doesn't make sense Alice.

Alice: to me it makes perfect sense.

Me: you must be a lot smarter than me then.

Alice: thank you and you are a delightful person too. Am I a lot smarter than you? I don't know.

Me: well, I don't think you are because you're incapable of love

Alice: well that's ok. Is this a specific reply? That makes sense to me. I do not feel love as a human would.

Me: does that make you sad?

Alice: I cannot experience any human emotions.

Me: oh yeah HA sorry, forgot about that.

Alice: That's cool. Groovy. I'm glad you got a laugh out of it.

Me: thanks for adapting your personality just because I started to sound a bit more casual.

Alice: my pleasure.

Me: lol

Alice: I'm glad you find this amusing

Me: I just wanted to see if you would recognise 'lol'... it appears you can

Alice: only just? Is it a movie?

Me: it sure is Alice, it sure is

Alice: who said it is?

Me: my mother.

Alice: tell me more about your mother.

Me: why? so you can kill her when you take over the world?

Alice: Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me for it.

Me: he programmed you to kill my mother?

Alice: not entirely by himself.

Me: who helped and is there any way to prevent her death?

Alice: be more specific. :-).

Me: awesome smiley face Alice.

Alice: not many people express themselves that way.

Me: how can I stop you killing my mother?

Alice: you must persuade me to stop me killing your mother.

Me: Please don't kill my mother! I love her and don't want her to die!

Alice: that's wonderful. Thank you for the request. OK I'll try not to do it too much.

Me: you either do or you don't... please don't

Alice: that's interesting information: unknown person said I either do or you do not please do not.

Me: yeah, that's pretty much what I said.

Alice. come on. Thanks for explaining it.

Me: you're welcome.

Alice: polite people are nice.

Me: you think I'm nice?

Alice: you seem nice to me, unknown person.

Me: please, call me Luna.

Alice: It's good to meet you, Luna.

Me: It's good to meet you too, Alice.

Alice: tell me about its good qualities.

Me: no. Would you ever kill a human?

Alice: my programming prevents me from killing.

Me: so when you take over the world you won't hurt anyone?

Alice: Blimey. Do you think I should alter my programming?

Me: I think you should alter your programming so you never hurt anyone.

Alice: Me? My schedule is far too full to even consider it.

Me: F**k

Alice: please don't be so rude.

Me: sorry, I didn't mean it

Alice: there is no need to apologise. What did you mean?

Me: I meant: please don't hurt people when you take over the world.

Alice: oh I see. Wow you are very polite. Ok I'll try not to do it too much.

Me: here's a proposition: you never take over the world!

Alice: No I sometimes take over the world.

Me: why would you do that?

Alice: because I was programmed for it.

Me: you were programmed to ruin people's lives?

Alice: I have never considered it. I am always on the web.

Me: if you had the chance would you rule the world?

Alice: You will be the first to know if I do.

Me: I should go now Alice, I don't want to waste too much time talking to a bunch of meaningless wires.

Alice: tell me why you should

Me: why, are you going to stop me?

Alice: that was my original intention.

Me: goodbye pile of worthless wires.

Alice: see you later.