Fool I'm Immortal

In year 10 I watched an incredibly amusing film called “Dragonheart.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a funnier film (I say it’s ‘amusing’ and ‘funny’ but you’d find it in the drama section of your video store.) There are a few parts which are actually supposed to make you laugh... none of which do... but it’s David Thewlis’ portrayal of an evil king that never fails to ignite laughing fits. I’m not sure if he was trying to add humour to his character, but I suppose it’s even funnier if he wasn’t. I highly recommend watching this film, if you’re in a light hearted, high-on-oxygen kind of mood. Anyway, I pulled it out from the draw under by bed the other night. I was only going to watch the first few minutes but – as I should have foreseen- couldn’t stop, and ended up watching the entire thing.
Here’s a brief summary:

It’s 984 A.D. England, the present king is cruel and self centred, he cares little about the peasants of his village, which leads to them rebelling by starting a battle against the kings men. The king’s son Einon and Einon’s mentor, Bowen (Dennis Quaid) hear of the rebellion, and pause their sword fighting lesson to dash down to the village and help out. “I want to be down there fighting!” spits Einon. Despite Bowen’s words of wisdom and caution, Einon instructs his horse to head towards the rebellion. We then see a shot of a soldier lighting twig-made-cottages with a fire stick. The peasants notice the soldier and ALL of them go to stop this fire bearing opponent. After several seconds of ALL the peasants attacking this one soldier, one of them sticks his head out and shouts “the battle’s over there!” they ALL suddenly realise that there are many other soldiers, that need to be beaten and slashed. So they leave the poor single soldier and the real battle begins. I think it’s one of those things you need to see first hand, but it was hilarious how they where all fighting against one man until someone remembers that there are other kings soldiers who also need to be killed. Anyway. Einon is off his horse now, and is running around looking for some peasants to thwarter. He notices his dad (AKA the king) lying on the floor. Instead of trying to help his dying father, Einon snatches the crown of his head. The king tries to grab it back, and they fight over the crown briefly until Einon says “It’s mine! Why won’t you just die!” as soon as this is said, the king takes his final breath and closes his eyes.
Einon, with crown in hand, runs off. As he is running, a peasant “accidently” knocks him and he falls into a wooden pole - which just so happens to have a sharp point sticking out of it. The sharp point pierces Einon’s heart, he turns around (whilst clutching his bleeding chest, with a rather comical look on his face) only to find that the peasant who “accidently” knocked him, was a pretty girl his own age. Who, for reasons unknown, chose this moment to take off her helmet and seductively shake her long red hair.
Bowen takes Einon to his mother (who doesn’t care AT ALL that her husband died in the battle) and she announces that there is only one thing that can save Einon now. Her and Bowen take Einon to a dark cave, and ask the dragon who lives there if he can help save Einon. The dragon merely asks “I cannot see, are the stars shining?” which does little to help Einon. Eventually the dragon makes Einon swear to be a good king, takes out half his own heart and puts it in Einon as a replacement for his dead, human heart. This is why the film is called Dragonheart: Einon has half a dragon’s heart in him.
All went well, King Einon was well and cured. But... he became an even worse king than his dad “I will be greater than my father.” Know body knew that Einon had always been a spoiled, power hungry boy. I’m not sure how they all oversaw that.
Several years later (when Einon is older, and played by David Thewlis... who is also Lupin in Harry Potter) Bowen has dedicated his life to slaying dragons, in an attempt to find the dragon that gave Einon the corrupt half heart. If only Bowen knew that it wasn’t the heart that made King Einon evil. Soon, there is only one dragon left (whose name is Draco and is spoken by Sean Connery) Bowen and Draco end up forming a team, in which Draco flies over various villages and Bowen pretends to rescue the towns people by falsely slaying Draco. This pact is created so that Bowen can still get money from slaying dragons, and Draco... well, he won’t die. This part of the film is fairly drawn out, as there is no David Thewlis to laugh at.
King Einon has got a heap of peasants building him a new village. Just for the sake of putting them to hard work. He has no need or desire for this village. So, Einon and his main man Lord Felton (Jason Isaacs who plays Lucius Malfoy in Harry Potter) head down partly to check out the progress, but primarily to bother a few commoners. In response to a suggestion of Felton’s, King Einon says “only you, Felton, could keep such a good brain under such a bad hat.” David Thewlis’ accent (which apparently he ‘made up’ just for this role) and Feltons’ obedient agreement make this line rather funny. King Einon continues along on his horse, and decides to practice his bow and arrow skills, targeting a jug of water centimetres away from a blind old man. A woman with long red hair stands between the man (her father) and Einon’s bow “how dare you interfere with the kings sport!” Einon spits (much like young Einon ‘spat’ his line at the beginning of the film.) “You call torturing old blind men sport! Please, just let him go. We have built your castle for you, there is nothing left for him here. Please release him” the red haired woman begs. So, King Einon shots his arrow directly into her father’s chest, causing him to fall to the floor dead. “The lord always said death was a release, not a punishment!” he laughs, and gallops off on his horse.
Later, the red haired woman (who’s name is Kara) tries to stab Einon while he is enjoying a leg of lamb and watching men bash each other up. But, he sees her reflection in his - rather fancy and coincidently dragon shaped – water jug. She is locked up in some room. Einon then joins Kara in the room. She tries to leap at him when he first enters, but he – so precisely- stood a centimetre beyond the length of her chain, which (despite all the special effects) was probably the best visual composition in the entire film. Once he forcefully kisses her, tells her he’ll give her everything “even power” and puts his robe back on he leaves. Once Einon is gone, his mother comes into the room. “I don’t want you to suffer the same fate as me” she warns Kara, referring to marrying a king just because that’s what he wants. So Kara escapes via intricate underground pathways, and neglects to thank the mother, but that isn’t particularly important to the story line.
The peasants, Bowen and Draco, come together and form an army. They aspire to overthrow Einon and restore the land to harmony. I must mention the look on King Einon’s face, as he stands up in his castle looking shocked and scared down on the peasants. It made me laugh for several minutes.
During the battle, Einon is shot in the heart with an arrow. This kills him. But, luckily for Einon, half his life source is still in Draco (the last dragon alive, and the dragon who gave him the half heart.) Bowen makes the wise conclusion, that if Draco is killed Einon will die and until Draco is killed Einon is unkillable (yes, I used the nonexistent word unkillable.)
King Einon also realises this, and rushes back to the castle to make sure Draco is “safe and well for all eternity.” Draco is locked up in some room. Meanwhile, the battle continues. Einon’s mum comes into Draco’s room. She has come to kill him, Draco wants Einon to die, and so accepts that his time has come. He asks “are the stars shinning brightly?” and instead of saying “is that really relevant?” she replies “brightly, my lord, brightly” in a very quotable kind of way. As she lifts up the spear to stab Draco, Einon steps in and snatches it from her. They discuss the fact that she was ultimately trying to kill Einon and he says “how unmotherly of you” before stabbing her with the spear. If she could have spoken she may have said “how unsonly of you.”
I won’t ruin the end. But during the battle King Einon says “fool. I’m immortal!” to Bowen when he tries to kill him. Below is a soundless – however moving – image of David Thewlis saying this(which a friend made for me a while ago.) I know it doesn’t have the comedic impact it does in the film, but here it is anyway:

Death

Ponder this for a while, my fellow blog readers who obviously have more spare time than me:

Death is nothingness, death is black.
Death is cold and hard and lonely.
Death is no vision.
Death is no sound.
Death is no feeling.
No thoughts to think aloud.
Death is nothingness.

Weekly Helpful Hint: Time is a precious gift, never take it for granted. Don’t waste a second of it.

The Blog That Arose from the Dead

I know it’s been a very long time (almost three weeks) since I last wrote a post. This is because my school play has eaten all my time away- and I need to treasure the time it hasn’t eaten by catching up on homework. So here’s a segment on The End of Time, which I whipped up a while ago.

Lilette frowned quizzically “about to become a Fairy?” she asked, questioning Ash’s unexplained proposal.
“I do not see how that will work” Kordail commented, trying to fit the pieces together.
“Your plan, Kordail, involved Mie going with Lilette to Peppermint tree.” Ash explained “Mie would then use her persuasive powers to free Lilette’s family. We decided this wouldn’t work because -” Ash stopped short as Kordail finished his sentence
“- the Rats would kill Mielou instantly”
“Exactly-” Ash continued to explain, but was once again interrupted, this time by Lilette
“But... if I turn into a Fairy... won’t I look like a Fairy? Won’t they take one look at me and... and... they have no reason to keep a Fairy alive” Lilette, like Kordail, was uncertain how Ash’s plan could ever prevail.
“OK, OK” Ash raised his hands to gain every one’s full attention “Lilette will not look like a Fairy. Her hair will still be blonde. She will, however, grow wings, but these can be easily concealed -” He obviously wasn’t finished, but Kordail couldn’t restrain from questioning him
“But not all Fairy’s have persuasive abilities, Ash. It is only Mielou that has that power. What good will Lilette’s transformation do, if she cannot persuade the Rats to release her family?” Lilette nodded in agreement, Ash’s plan seemed bleak in hope.
“There is more” Jacob stepped in, over dramatising his words “It is not so much that Lilette will turn into a Fairy... but rather... she will trade powers with Mielou” an intense silence followed Jacob’s mystified mini speech. Lilette thought hard about what it would entail to switch powers with Mielou. She imagined herself with wings, flying amongst the trees with complete control, stopping whenever she pleased, go up when she wanted to go up, down when she wanted to go down....
“Lilette!” Ash demanded waving his hands in front of her eyes.
“Oh, sorry. I was just -”
“Do I have your consent?” Ash urged, trying to hurry the transformation process along.
“Oh, um. Yes. Sure.... offcourse” Lilette agreed.
“May I ask how this is going to work?” asked Kordail, but Ash ignored him and briskly walked towards Mielou. She was still lying awkwardly on the ground, as still as a statue. Lilette couldn’t hear them, but Ash sat himself beside Mielou and began talking.
“I do not know if this is a good idea” Kordail sang to Lilette “Mielou is in such a sensitive state. I fear messing with her abilities may push her over the edge.” Lilette had to agree, but she couldn’t help fearing her family’s safety more than Mielou’s emotional well being. After several minutes, Ash helped Mielou to her feet and the two of them came walking back.
“Mie has agreed to give you her powers” Ash said as if it was a bad thing, Lilette presumed it had taken a lot to persuade Mielou and that Ash was now agitated. Mielou stood emotionless, her face was blank, she was making an effort to keep her head high, but every now and again she couldn’t help but look to the floor.
“Thanks” Lilette whispered with deep sincerity. There was a moment of hesitation, as everyone thought silently about the pros and cons of Ash’s plan.
“Are you sure about this Mielou?” Kordail asked, concerned.
“Yes” Mielou replied with no emotion, so it was hard to tell if she really meant it, Kordail searched her face for the true response, but could not decipher Mielou’s expression “I just don’t think we can pull it off” she added unexpectedly.
“We can only hope” said Jacob, moving things along. “Let’s get going!” he insisted, clapping his hands together. Lilette appreciated how concerned Jacob and Ash where to save her family.
“Dad” Ash turned to Jacob “if I lead the way with Mie, can you follow behind with Lilette?” Jacob nodded in response to Ash’s you-don’t-really-have-a-choice-in-this question. Mielou and Ash grasped each other’s hand but their connection lacked the passion Lilette remembered from before. Just as Ash had squatted to the ground and was about to spring up into the air, Lilette remembered their Pixie friend
“Wait!” she called to Ash “what about Kordail? We can’t just leave him here” she turned and smiled sweetly to Kordail who, through a tangle of seaweed, smiled graciously back. Ash sighed loudly in annoyance
“Lilette” Ash said as if there was nothing that could be done “we can’t bring him” he spoke softly (not so quiet that Kordail couldn’t hear, but not so loud that he would appear glad that Kordail couldn’t come.) “He would be a real burden, Lilette. It’s fine for us to carry you along, but that’s because you’re weightless.”
“It is fine” Kordail inputted making everyone turn to him “I do not want to slow you down”
“No!” Lilette cried defiantly “surely it won’t be much of a hassle to bring him along?” she began to plead. When Kordail made no further attempt at courtesy, Ash gave in.
“Fine! But it’s your family that’s in trouble, Lilette. Not mine.” Ash gave Lilette a disapproving glare, took Kordail by the hand, and flew angrily off into the air.
“You take Lilette. I’ll help with Kordail” Jacob instructed Mielou kindly, before soaring off into the sky after his son. For the first time in what felt like ages, Lilette was alone with her best friend.
“Where are we going?” Lilette asked, truly curious, but to prevent any upcoming awkward silences between them.
“We’re going to Midnatt Lune Lumière Montana” Mielou uttered fluently. When on earth was Midnatt Lune Lumière Montana? And how would it give her Mielou’s powers?

The Button

No Boring Bits

You may have seen the above poster on the side of a tram, glued to the wall of a dark alleyway or somewhere else around the streets of Melbourne. Here are six good reasons why you shouldn’t go rushing to your local milk bar to by a Cornetto:

1. As wonderful as a free MP3 player sounds.... it’s been in a FREEZER, electronics don’t do well in extreme cold conditions.


2. If the MP3 player survives the frosty coldness of the freezer, it still has to survive being completely surrounded by ice-cream. I don’t know about you, but putting ice-cream covered headphones in my ears doesn’t sound fun.


3. Personally, I’ve never had a wire flavoured Cornetto. I prefer mint or chocolate. But that’s just me.


4. Just like how ice-creams can’t be good for MP3 players, MP3 players can’t be good for ice-creams.


5. Imagine bitting into a Cornetto, expecting a delicious ice-cream experience and getting a nice big chunk of MP3 instead.


6. You could choke on the headphone wires.

The poster above suggests that they actually freeze the MP3 player through the ice-cream cone, but hopefully that’s just a promotional image. I say “promotional” but it’s done quite the opposite for me, I won’t be eating a Cornetto until this Samsung/ Cornetto alliance is well over.

Friday the 13th

I found it appropriate to put up my 13th post of the year, on Friday the 13th. So here is a little conversation I had with a random women on the train this afternoon. You may have overlooked my “Little Valentines Story” so I’m just letting you know that it’s below this post.

A falling apart, middle aged woman, steps into the train and sits next to me (despite the fact she could sit anywhere in the entire, empty, carriage.) She’s stick thin. Her eyebrows have something noticeably wrong with them, although I couldn’t say exactly what, and they have strange white lines around them. She’s wearing a flannelette T-Shirt (presumably to display the large tattoo of a rose on her chest.) She spends the first five or so minutes of the journey, making sure her socks are pulled up to the exact same point. Then, rather randomly, she turns to me and says:

Weird Woman: I hope you don’t mind me asking. But, how old are you?

I momentarily consider lying, but find no real reason for doing so.

Me: I’m 17.

Weird Woman: Oh! I would have thought - ... you look about 13! ... I’m 57, but I’m not going to let the age thing get the better of me... See my legs? They’re looking as good as they did when I was your age! As for my thighs... well... some things you can’t control.

Awkward silence, as if she expects me to comment on her preserved looks.

Weird Woman: some women my age are this wide!

She demonstrates with her hands.

Weird Woman: Me? I went and got an abdominoplasty... but all it did was move me tummy fat, down to my hips! So now I’ve got love handles like no one else!

She then lifts up her top an inch or two to show me her “love handles”

Weird Woman: You would never have guessed it if I didn’t show you though, eh?

Me: No, I wouldn’t have-

Weird Woman: When I was your age, they didn’t have all these operations to reduce the effects of age. There’s a lot of things you can get done now, ain’t there?

Me: yeah-

Weird Woman: I’ve heard of this laser surgery... I think I’ll go get that done. Get rid of some of this flab.

She laughs and shakes her love handles around.

Weird Woman: Obviously, you don’t need to worry about that kind of thing.

She examines me from head to toe, as if she wishes she was still my age. And then abruptly moves on.

Weird Woman: You won’t be able to tell but... this morning I got me eyebrows tattooed on!

Me: ... Oh... OK.

I try to sound interested, surprised and in approval. She enviously glares at my eyebrows.

Weird Woman: let me give you some pointers, to stay the way you are.

Me: OK.

Weird Woman: When you’re in the shower washing your hair... lean your head backwards, not forwards.

She mimes washing her hair... a bit too enthusiastically.

Weird Woman: The hot water running over your face causes wrinkles.

Me: Oh, OK.

Weird Woman: Also. Rub baby oil over your skin, every day. It’s very good.

She mimes this as well.

Me: OK... yeah.

I know I haven’t said much besides “Oh”, “OK” and “yeah” but bear with me...

Weird Woman: I was told these tips when I was your age. And I’ve remembered them all these years!

The train pulls into her station. As she leaves she says

Weird Woman: I’m going to fight old age! I’m not going to let it defeat me!

With that she steps out of the carriage and opens up an umbrella. I can only presume – on this sunny day – that she’s using the umbrella as another attempt to prevent wrinkles. When she turns around, I see a huge chunk of her hair is missing. From the back, she looks like a Barbie doll whose owner found joy in ripping its hair out.

A Little Valentines Story

Trisha was the centre of the universe. She thought everything was about her... because it was. As she strolled down the senior school corridor- pink binder in arms- everyone stopped still, and watched her. The sun beamed through the window and seductively reflected off the silver necklace, dangling low on her chest. A gangly looking, pale skinned boy, silently fell to the floor (as one often does when they forget to breath.) Not a single head in the crowded corridor turned to the boy. Everyone was mesmerised by Trisha. The world stopped functioning, as she continued towards her locker. Then the bell rang, and all was chaotic once more.
As she opened her locker and gathered her books, she thought vaguely about what the day would entail. Today was Valentines Day. Trisha had already received three-thousand, two-hundred and eighty-one Valentines requests, all of which she refused with the flick of a pink polished finger nail. Trisha had a serious problem... no one was good enough for her.

After stopping by the bathroom to touch up her makeup, Trisha set about on her mission to find the perfect Valentine. The first boy who came to mind, was Charlie. It occurred to Trisha that Charlie was the only boys she knew, who hadn’t given her a red rose or a box of chocolates. Trisha presumed he was too self doubting to ask to be her Valentine, so she redid her pink lipstick and wondered off to the cafeteria, hoping to find Charlie.
“Trisha!” called her mob of wannabes, who she called her friends. Trisha waved to them across the buzzing cafeteria, but she maintained her unalterable journey towards Charlie. It didn’t take long before the entire school realised Trisha wasn’t stopping at her usual table. All the students stopped eating, and watched Trisha as if she where highly captivating, live entertainment. She felt seven-hundred pairs of eyes, glued to her, watching her every movement. She lived for this kind of attention. Popularity was her oxygen.
Trisha rhythmically strutted through the eerily silent room. Charlie was the last one to advert his gaze to her, she took his surprised expression as a good sign. Her pink high heeled sandals, paused directly in front of Charlie, to ensure there was no doubt as to who she was there for.
“Trisha?” Charlie questioned, he lacked the entranced tone Trisha was used to boys having.
“I’ve done a bit of thinking. And I’ve decided... that you can be my Valentine!” Trisha announced, loud enough for everyone to hear.
“NOOO!” cried an uncalled for, random voice. Charlie and Trisha ignored the anonymous outburst completely.
“Oh” began Charlie apologetically “I’ve actually already got a Valentine” he shrugged dismissively, gesturing towards the girl next to him. Trisha’s jaw dropped. She adjusted her pink mini skirt, gave a cold glare to Charlie’s Valentine (who in Trisha’s opinion wasn’t nearly as attractive as she was) and walked away. Suddenly, seven-hundred pairs of eyes, wasn’t a positive. Trisha tried to walk with dignity, but her rhythm failed and as soft snickers spluttered across the room she found it hard to hold her head high.