Blueray

My dad bought a Blueray player the other week- our house isn’t complete without the latest piece of technology- and I passionately hate the thing. When people ask “why don’t you like the Blueray?” I always say “because there’s no need for one when we’ve already got a DVD player” but the real answer goes a bit more like this:

In a time not so long ago, people watched videos. Then, one day, The Man was walking home from the video store and he said to himself “this video is too heavy and thick for my liking, it would be a lot more convenient to make it flat... and while we’re at it, let’s make it circular instead of rectangular... I’ve always rather fancied circles” and so the DVD was invented. After a while people stopped renting videos and began renting DVDs instead, they threw out their chunky video players and rejoiced over the clearer vision that came with DVDs (they were also rather fond of the circular shape.)
Soon videos were virtually extinct, video stores started keeping them on the far, dingy back wall of the store or on the bottom row of the DVD stands. Videos were weeping in despair at the rejection. Offcourse the argument The Man gave when confronted in the Court of Justice for Video Rights was “we must progress. It is human nature to improve what we’ve got, especially when improving is easily achieved and does not harm anyone.” The poor videos had no rebuttal for The Man’s defence, and instead of taking their revenge on the human race they went for a more harmless approach- rotting away miserably on the back walls of video stores.
DVDs were dearly loved. There were no ads to fast forward at the beginning of the film, the picture was clearer and special effects were a greatly enjoyed novelty. DVDs were especially commended for not having to be rewound once you reached the end. The Man was ecstatic, he had never dreamed of DVDs being such a success, all he wanted was something less bulky to carry home from the video store. He was so ecstatic, that he died of over-enthusiasm (yes, you can die of over-enthusiasm.) The Man’s son was greatly grieved (let’s call his son The Man) so he devised a plan to invent an even better way of watching films at home.
The Man invented the Blueray. The Man improved DVDs in the same way his father had improved videos. The Man put handles on the DVD cover- to further improve the task of carrying home a film from the video store- and minimised the size of the cover. It weighed less- and was easier- to carry home a Blueray, than to carry home a DVD. The Man had done his dad proud.
Bluerays were a hit (despite the fact that they cost more than DVDs and that there was less information on the cover- due to a decrease in cover size.) At first Bluerays received a small area of shelving at the front of all video stores, but after a short while they overtook the majority of the store and became the dominating form of home film watching. Videos were completely exterminated, they no longer had any place in our world. DVDs were moved to the back walls and bottom shelves, they couldn’t beat the crispy clearness of the Blueray disks.
People sold their DVD players and willingly replaced them with Blueray players. DVDs didn’t even get a Court of Justice.
The Man was ecstatic, he done his father proud. He was so ecstatic, that he did of over-enthusiasm. Doctors started to wonder if death by over-enthusiasm was genetic, but they let it pass. Unfortunately The Man didn’t have a son... but he did have a nephew (let’s call him The Man.)
The Man couldn’t care less about his uncle’s passing. But he did care about the money he would make from designing a better way to watch movies. The Man demolished all video stores (and while he was at it, he got rid of CD stores as well.) The poor DVDs were sold off to manufacturing companies to be recycled into goods.
At this time in history the internet was widely used, almost everyone had access to a computer. The Man opened a new video store, it was to be the only video store in the world, and it existed merely in cyberspace. “My uncles father complained of having to carry bulky things home from the video store!? Well now no one will ever have to go to the video store ever again! Muhahahahaha” off course The Man wasn’t a bad guy, but he did enjoy an evil laugh ever now and again to celebrate his accomplishments.
People of the world loved The Mans idea. They loved it so much that they demolished all stores. Not just video and technology related stores but clothes shops, restaurants, bookstores, chocolate cafes, doorknob stores and every other kind of shop that excited. It became possible to download and order EVERYTHING off the internet.
The Man was so greatly admired and idolised by the people that he became The King. Earlier I said that The King was not evil.... things change. The king became so wrapped up in power and success that he went insane. In his sleep he would hear the voice of his uncle’s father saying “we must progress” (which was rather odd because he never met his uncle’s father.)
So The King progressed. It wasn’t enough that the whole world survived through the internet, The King wanted to be even greater so he invented a 3D home film viewing experience. At first it was lame and people became fed up with the dodgy 3D glasses and their unrealisticness (which at this point in time was a real word.) So The King invented 3D film like no one could have ever anticipated. It was so life like that the people became confused between reality and film viewing. They couldn’t tell when they were asleep and when they were awake. When 4D film watching came into play, people couldn’t tell when they’d cut themselves cooking or when they were merely watching a film that involved butcher knives. The King had progressed too far.
Technology had taken over.

Weekly Helpful Hint: When someone asks you why you don’t like Bluerays say: “because there’s no need for one when we’ve already got a DVD player” and avoid telling them a 991 word story about technology domination.