Snow White

Today is a bad day. Today is the day I realised that life isn’t at all like a movie. In reality exciting things are rather rare and adventures even rarer. This morning it was raining and the umbrella I bought to replace my disintegrating old one, was locked away at school. I had no choice but to use my former, less caring, ‘umbrella.’ It looks identical to my new one, so I tend to call it the ‘evil twin’..... actually, I don’t, I just made that up then. I think the world must have a personal grudge against me, why else would it rain on the one day I didn’t have a whole umbrella. So, I was walking from the train station to school with the protection of half an umbrella above my head. I mean quite literally ‘half’ an umbrella, as it stays moderately stiff and umbrella-ish on one side and the other side simply droops down and dangles pointlessly from the stiff half. Well, not pointlessly, the dead half’s purpose is to tip the water collected from the solid half and drain it onto me and my bag (my little non-waterproof bag, which was a substitute for the normal bag I left at school along with the ‘good twin.’)
So I’m walking down the street, drench in rain, people are pointing and whispering at my mutated ‘umbrella’, I’ve ruined my non-existent reputation and I’m freezing cold because my blazer is also in my locker at school. Then it happened. The dead half of the umbrella swung down and hit me in the face. It didn’t hurt. But I cried. It was the strangest moment of my life. It took me a while to figure out why I was crying, but I came to this conclusion: this moment in my life was like the opening to a film, where they introduce the protagonist as having a bad day or possibly just as being an unlucky person in general, this film will involve the main character going on an adventure of some kind, falling in love, accomplishing things she never dreamed she could, finding out she’s magic and will finish with her walking down the same street on a sunny day with a big smile on her face. That won’t happen to me.
This somehow reminded me of fairytales (specifically, Disney princess fairytales) and so I thought I would share with you a more realistic ending to the Snow White film. The setting and time period remain the same:

Snow White was lying unconscious on a bed covered in rose petals. She had been in this state for quite a while now and the dwarfs were all very worried that she may never wake up again. They feared her to be dead. But, alas! Who should come galloping to her rescue but Prince Charming! He flung himself swiftly off his gallant steed and strode passionately to Snow White’s side. Upon kissing Snow White, she fluttered open her eyelids and sat up, her strength was miraculously back to normal.
“Are you alright?” asked the prince “do you need some water or something? I could dash back to the palace and get you some medicine?”
“You fool!” she hissed through closed teeth “you’re supposed to just sweep me off my feet and ride off with me into the sunset, so we can live happily ever after!”
“Oh. OK. Sorry. So do you want me to do that now then?” he asked, simply trying to give her what she wanted.
“No. You’ve ruined the moment now. Idiot. It’s supposed to be a spontaneous act of love. You’ve just stuffed the whole thing up by discussing it” she was now disgusted at his lack of spontaneity and could think of no way he could fix the situation.
“Spontaneous love? Do you love me?” Price Charming was astonished at the thought.
“You daft, dim witted moron” she replied calmly “only true loves kiss could have woken me up. We obviously love each other”
“I don’t even know you” argued the prince delicately “could we not get more acquainted first?” this last sentence enraged Snow White and she stood up from her coffin of a bed.
“This is just stupid. I’m going back inside. I’m sure the dwarfs will appreciate me more than you do” but she didn’t move.
“Alright. Well, I’ll see you around then..... er.... what was your name?”
“Snow White” she replied, almost in tears. He got back on his horse before she went on to say “we could try again” and then “I could pretend to be dying again and you could come and whisk me off to your kingdom in the hills”
“Look... I’ve actually got a lot of prince things to deal with at the moment. You know, ordering people to be beheaded, that kind of thing. I don’t really have time for all this” his horse was slowly trotting away with him.
“I can still come with you! You can do your prince stuff and I’ll do my princess stuff! We’ll both be busy but we can still be together. This is true love Prince Charming”
“Princess stuff?”
“Singing to birds. Knitting. Waiting for my prince to come.... oh, well that will have already happened. But I can do the other princess things”
“Fine. Whatever. Get on. I’m in a bit of a hurry” little did he know that this was the wrong thing to say
“Do you love me?” Snow White asked, realising that he may not
“I don’t know you!”
“But you kissed me!?”
“You were dying! I couldn’t just let you die!”
“You’ve messed everything up” Snow White concluded “if you aren’t capable of romantically sweeping me off my feet, then I’m just going back inside”
“Good!” he bellowed and galloped off into the distance. Snow White sat down and cried.