Friday the 13th

I found it appropriate to put up my 13th post of the year, on Friday the 13th. So here is a little conversation I had with a random women on the train this afternoon. You may have overlooked my “Little Valentines Story” so I’m just letting you know that it’s below this post.

A falling apart, middle aged woman, steps into the train and sits next to me (despite the fact she could sit anywhere in the entire, empty, carriage.) She’s stick thin. Her eyebrows have something noticeably wrong with them, although I couldn’t say exactly what, and they have strange white lines around them. She’s wearing a flannelette T-Shirt (presumably to display the large tattoo of a rose on her chest.) She spends the first five or so minutes of the journey, making sure her socks are pulled up to the exact same point. Then, rather randomly, she turns to me and says:

Weird Woman: I hope you don’t mind me asking. But, how old are you?

I momentarily consider lying, but find no real reason for doing so.

Me: I’m 17.

Weird Woman: Oh! I would have thought - ... you look about 13! ... I’m 57, but I’m not going to let the age thing get the better of me... See my legs? They’re looking as good as they did when I was your age! As for my thighs... well... some things you can’t control.

Awkward silence, as if she expects me to comment on her preserved looks.

Weird Woman: some women my age are this wide!

She demonstrates with her hands.

Weird Woman: Me? I went and got an abdominoplasty... but all it did was move me tummy fat, down to my hips! So now I’ve got love handles like no one else!

She then lifts up her top an inch or two to show me her “love handles”

Weird Woman: You would never have guessed it if I didn’t show you though, eh?

Me: No, I wouldn’t have-

Weird Woman: When I was your age, they didn’t have all these operations to reduce the effects of age. There’s a lot of things you can get done now, ain’t there?

Me: yeah-

Weird Woman: I’ve heard of this laser surgery... I think I’ll go get that done. Get rid of some of this flab.

She laughs and shakes her love handles around.

Weird Woman: Obviously, you don’t need to worry about that kind of thing.

She examines me from head to toe, as if she wishes she was still my age. And then abruptly moves on.

Weird Woman: You won’t be able to tell but... this morning I got me eyebrows tattooed on!

Me: ... Oh... OK.

I try to sound interested, surprised and in approval. She enviously glares at my eyebrows.

Weird Woman: let me give you some pointers, to stay the way you are.

Me: OK.

Weird Woman: When you’re in the shower washing your hair... lean your head backwards, not forwards.

She mimes washing her hair... a bit too enthusiastically.

Weird Woman: The hot water running over your face causes wrinkles.

Me: Oh, OK.

Weird Woman: Also. Rub baby oil over your skin, every day. It’s very good.

She mimes this as well.

Me: OK... yeah.

I know I haven’t said much besides “Oh”, “OK” and “yeah” but bear with me...

Weird Woman: I was told these tips when I was your age. And I’ve remembered them all these years!

The train pulls into her station. As she leaves she says

Weird Woman: I’m going to fight old age! I’m not going to let it defeat me!

With that she steps out of the carriage and opens up an umbrella. I can only presume – on this sunny day – that she’s using the umbrella as another attempt to prevent wrinkles. When she turns around, I see a huge chunk of her hair is missing. From the back, she looks like a Barbie doll whose owner found joy in ripping its hair out.